Dear Chris
I am sorry you did not reply to my recent email where I wrote saying how sorry I was to read in the Independent newspaper that Google had had a communicable disease. I did warn you about what happened to the Covent Garden Soup company branch when they did not sell Windsor Soup in Windsor. They closed. I was worried something awful might happen to you when you turned www.windsorsoup.co.uk down for Absense.
I expected your illness was why you did not write.
I did write that I was worried about you all falling off your roller scooters in the Car Park and being masseured which I read in the Independent newspaper.
But I now read in an English newspaper this Sunday, the Sunday Telegraph (Page 21) that you are all called Googlers and go on corporate picnics. And enjoy them! I need not have worried. Do you fire paint balls at each other?
However I am puzzled. It says in the Sunday Telegraph that the workers at your Googleplex are half men and half women! I looked it up on Google and the word I found is androgynous. I did ask you whether your name Chris stood for Christopher or Christine but it would not help to know.
If your top half was man and your bottom (excuse the word) half was woman it would still not help you to know what to call yourself. The Greeks did have a creature called a satire, which was half man and half goat. Isn't it funny that a satire is also a SPOOF, which is the name of our society?
But it was the top half which was a man. But Bottom (that word again, sorry) in Shakespeare's Mid Summer Nights Dream by Shakespeare, who did stay in Windsor when he was writing the Merry Wives of Windsor [(and where he allegedly ate Brown Windsor Soup ) (I do not think there are many Merry wives left in Windsor today. My lady wife has a wicked turn of phrase and her language when she read that Gogol, which it says in the Sunday Telegraph is named after a very large number, though a large number of what it does not say ,had said that www.windsorsoup.co.uk did not meet their criteria, was dreadful)] but Bottom ( sorry) had a donkey's head and the legs of a man which sort of evens things up.
But even Shakespeare did not have his Merry Wives walking about Windsor with beards and high heels like you seem to at Googool.
The Sunday Telegraph says " the founding fathers ( and mothers?) wear short hair and shave daily." Where they shave it does not say. (I myself was a student of gynaecology till I fell off the ladder so could have been a Doctor like many of you)
The Sunday Telegraph does admit, " Google is not a conventional company." Quote from someone called Larry Page. Is that short for Lawrence or Laura? Or both?
Well I wanted to be self employed but failed the interview so have never worked in a conventional or unconventional company but I certainly agree that a company where you are half......(.just realised you could be men and women top down, not waist down. Gentlemen on the left side and Ladies on the right. Like the toilets in a theater. That is American for theatre) is definitely not conventional.
Anyway the Telegraph says that on Mountain View many of you have Ph D 's and an average age of just over 30.
No wonder you do not need a navel page like the one you complained of on www.windsorsoup.co.uk.
My average age is above average and my visitors would get totally lost looking for recipes for the nourishing soups without it. They are not doctors who have masseurs!
Which you need because it says in the Telegraph that fifteen lava lamps stand in your reception area, which sounds sensible on their part, whereas you all have to sit on big rubber-balls.
It also says in the newspaper that Googlers "load their trays with fine food coked by a chef who used to work for the Grateful Dead ( whoever he was)." I hope that "coked" is a misprint.
When we at www.windsorsoup.co.uk cook the fine soup after which our town was named the only condiments we allow on the table are pepper and salt. We find the horse radish dumplings stimulating enough.
Anyway what you seem to use is illegal in the realm of the good Queen of England. I often think that you USA people should apologise for mistakenly being revolting against Good King George and ask to be taken back. This coke probably accounts for your laid back attitude referred to in the Independent newspaper. I often get laid back researching the ancient inns of Windsor on behalf of the Campaign Against Renaming Ancient Pubs. or CARAP as it is called. But only on ale.
So with all this going on going on at Google I am glad that our fine site is not allowed to be an Absense and hope you all get better soon. Also perhaps with all your rubber balls and roller blading in the car park and being so mixed up about your gender and your massages no wonder people say Americans do not have much of a sense of humour. I always think Sergeant Bilko is funny and he still appears on English television although he must be quite old by now.
Since you turned windsorsoup down from Absence I am surprised you put this on you emails to the site
"Google puts your ad in front of the right people when they are ready to
buy. Get high ROI for your ad dollars. www.google.com/adwords_roi"
The whole point is you will not let me. And who is high roi? Does he get coked like it says in the newspaper you all do?
Yours
Arthur Brownwindsor
Society for the Preservation of Old Organic Foods
Windsor
Berkshire
England
www.windsorsoup.co.uk

All our correspondence has been added to www.windsorsoup.co.uk
I usually tell people "Go to Google"
Type "Windsor soup"
Hit I'm feeling lucky" button
Land in the soup.
But there is not point in telling you to go to Google is there? You are already there sitting on a rubber ball.

Society for the Preservation of Organic Old Foods