Dear Chris Google
You may recall that you said my website www.windsorsoup.co.uk was not suitable for your Absense despite the fact that it promotes recipes which are for healthy organic foods.
You may recall that I told you that the Society for Old Organic Foods had written to the Convent Garden Soup Company asking why Windsor Soup was not available in their soup shop in Windsor Royal Station. They replied that they had stocked the stock for the Royal Jamboree but not since and had no plans to restock. People come from all over the world and America to visit Windsor to buy the soup and take a walk round the castle behind a lady with an umbrella while they are here. As I told you the Soup shop is now closed, and no wonder.
When you said that Windsorsoup did not fit your criteria I was shocked and said I hoped a similar fete would not affect Google.
I was not surprised however when I read in the Independent newspaper yesterday about Google being swamped by false searches because of a computer illness.
First of all let me say that none of these false searches came from www.windsorsoup.co.uk visitors because there is a button and a series of XXXXXXXXXXXXX to stop them using the Google link since your warning SPOOF might be breaking some agreement.
Anyway I do not let my visitors use Google since I typed in" teen sex" and am still recovering from the shock.
However the Independent did say
"Google is now based at Mountain View in the heart of California's Silicon Valley and is famed for its laid-back staff ethic. Perks include weekly games of roller hockey in the car park and an on-site masseuse, while each member of the team is given one day a week to spend on "pet projects."
This sounds fun and must all be true because it is in the Independent, which is independent. I suppose having a mountain view must make searching easier though it is not clear whether the view is from a mountain or of a mountain. And being in a silicon valley means you cannot play real ice hockey so have to play on roller skates. They do not tell us what you do with the cars while you are playing in the car park, do you move them to another car park or play round them? And if you have an empty car park to move the cars to why do you not play in that one in the first place?
I suppose you are laid back if you fall off the skates and that is when you need a masseuse, which I had to look up on a dictionary. I suppose they knead you when you need them. I think it is nice you are allowed time for pet projects. We have two gerbils which get easily bored so we have to make things for them to do and it is nice that Google give you time to do things for your pets too.
It all sounds very happy out there for you all and I am therefore sorry that your refusal to allow windsorsoup to be an absence lead to you all catching a virus but I did warn you.
Yours truly,
Arthur Brownwindsor
Society for the Preservation of Organic Old Foods
www.windsorsoup.co.uk

Look now  for Sunday Telegraph! Weirder article.